Paper chase resumes
Thrice in the last week we’ve had our paper stolen. Each time we’ve called the Trib for a re-delivery, and each time they’ve been kind enough to oblige. Today our deliveryman waited at the door while we came down to pick up the re-delivery, then gave us his card, telling us to call if it happened again. It’s aggrevating that this is going on, but on the other hand, I’m secretly looking forward to the point—I think it’s after the third complaint—when the Trib starts including “DO NOT STEAL ME. I belong to Sandor Weisz” signs in each day’s delivery. Partly it’s because I like the idea of anthropomorphising a newspaper, but mostly it’s because I love sticking those signs to things around the house.
Onto what I stick them, in increasing order of amusement: leftovers; the cats; Sarah. No one said I wasn’t easily amused.

The anthropomorphized newspaper is actually quite polite, almost meek:
“I belong to SANDOR WEISZ. Please don’t steal me. Thanks.”
I’m also imagining some sort of Rube Goldberg operation, in which the thief’s hands are coated in Superglue and his “What the …?” triggers a voice-activated lever that drops a bucket of chicken feathers on him and slaps a “I steal newspapers” Post-It note to his back.
WARNING!
THIS PAPER IS FOR sandor weisz.
Unauthorized persons tampering, molesting, or removing same will be subject to FINE and IMPRISONMENT.
It goes on to quote from the relevant state law:
“Whoever shall unlawfully and feloniously steal, take and carry away any newspaper or periodical from the same where the same may be left for any other person, shall be deemed guilty of larceny, and punished accordingly.”
Dude. Step off. Back away from the newspaper.