Where on earth can you find a wedding dress that doesn’t look like this?
First stop, the special occasion dress section of the major department stores to check out white and ivory party dresses.
Step One: Buy a strapless bra at Filene’s Basement because it’s your size and only $12. Even if it’s a horrifyingly scary bustier. Do not try it on at the store.
Step Two: Try your bustier on at home. Discover it’s quite small around your waist and hard to hook. Lose control of the hooks and allow it to snap out of your hand and mangle your left thumb in a really horrifying and bloody way.
Step Three: Meet mom and dad on N. Michigan. Be sure to be carrying a huge heavy tote bag full of brochures in addition to your laptop and a novel. This will add to the experience.
Step Four: At Nordstrom’s, make your mom do up your scary bra because you don’t dare touch that thing again. Discover that you are accidentally trying on a $4,000 Monique Lhuillier. Surprise! It doesn’t zip, so no problem.
Step Five: At Neiman Marcus, face the disapproval of the saleslady, who informs you in a gorgeous Persian accent that your first two dress choices are “awful, awful, awful,” the third is “too matttttronly,” and that the fourth, fifth, and sixth are “perfect.” She is more or less correct, and makes you promise her that you will not, under any circumstances, buy a cotton dress for your wedding.
Step Six: Upon arriving at dinner, remember you are still wearing your $12 bustier-of-death and consider whether or not you can remove it subtly while waiting for your name to be called, but decide to wait until you can get to the bathroom and do this in private.
Next up: perhaps a bridesmaid’s dress in ivory?