Step One: Call RCN and tell them you are moving. They will give you a time slot (8-11 am on Friday!) and cheerfully tell you that they will “only!” charge you $50 to transfer your service to another address.
Step Two: Wait at your house from 8-11 am on Friday. See no service technician. Receive no phone call.
Step Three: Call RCN and ask why you have seen no technician. They will tell you that there is a “note in the record” that the technician could not “access the box” at your home. Explain that the technician never even rang your doorbell. RCN will tell you that “someone from dispatch will call you back.”
Step Four: Wait in your house for the rest of the day.
Step Five: Make several more phone calls to RCN. Get your boyfriend to do this, because he is better at this kind of thing. Make him keep calling until they “escalate” your “manager level” to someone named Rita, who is unfortunately out on break.
Step Six: On Monday, talk to some guy at RCN. He is totally going to help you if you can just hold for a few more minutes. Just a few more. Just one teeny minute more. He will offer you a technician to come to your house, but he can’t come this week. You may wonder, “why am I paying you $50 to make me take another day off of work?” But the kind fellow will not engage you in this debate.
Step Seven: Try to call escalated manager Rita. RCN operators will tell you that the extension you’ve given them doesn’t exist and that they don’t know any Rita.
Step Eight: Tell boyfriend to find Rita. While he may find her, her voicemail gives her regular hours as 5 pm to 2 am.
Step Nine: Agree to take the slot in a week (you were going to be home on a comp day anyway… it was just the principle of the thing), but ask boyfriend to demand in a manly way that the service fee be waived. Chuckle when he tells you that they told him that the fee would appear on the bill, but that we could then call the company and tell them that “Kelly said we didn’t have to pay that fee” and they would take it off.
Step Ten: On the following Monday, call to confirm that your appointment slot is from 11 am to 2 pm. Ask specifically if there is any chance the guy will come early, because you want to go do errands. There is no chance he will come before 11 am.
Step Eleven: Do errands.
Step Twelve: While driving home at 10:30 am, answer cell phone to hear RCN guy say, “Are you home? I am on back porch? Where are you?”
Step Thirteen: Finally, with your new dial tone, plug in your phone. Discover you have lost your working phone, and have only the phone that will not dial the number 4 unless you use the speaker phone.
Step Fourteen: Use speaker phone to dial 4-heavy phone number of boyfriend. Hurray!